O-o-h child.. Things are gonna get easier..

"Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone
Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along"
Seven Years- Norah Jones 

I know I should be happy or at least I think I should be. I just can't seem to shake this sadness. I feel so alone and even with people who care I want to hide. My heart keeps sinking and looking at past times to cover up some of the pain and the hurt that is still creeping up on me. I can tell anyone anything with a smile, but deep down a little girl is crying and doesn't know how to ask for help. 

How do you face your true self when you have two-selves that exist? In my heart is a little girl who has never been cared for and is still curious about the world. She still has hopes and wants to imagine the world as a kind, happy place. On the outside is a young adult who is fighting to prove she is smart. Trying to prove that she is enough. She shows the world the smile she wants to believe in. In all the pain, she smiles because she doesn't want to admit the world is not a good place. Let's just admit it. The world hurts. The world takes and uses people until there is nothing left.

I will smile through every situation because of the small piece of hope that shines more brightly everyday. It is a tiny thread that is constantly being tugged on and challenged. Somehow it still remains, but I'm not sure how much longer it will be able to last. I don't know which way to go anymore. A dreamer never gives up on their dream, and an optimist finds something good in almost every situation. Is it wrong for the dream to feel a little hopeless? Is it wrong if the optimist cries?

"Ooh child, things are gonna get easier.Ooh child, things’ll get brighter.Some day, yeah, we’ll put it together and we’ll get it all done.Some day, when your head is much lighter."
O-o-h Child - The Five Stairsteps

"Don't fall apart now. You are too close to getting a step closer to your dream." The little girl in my heart hasn't given up yet, so I shouldn't either. I'm still hopeful for the future. I just can't take the pain anymore, and I'm not sure how much longer I can protect the little girl in my heart from the weight of the world. 

Love? Someday..

I have a passion to love those around me. Even strangers on the street I care for. When people hurt me and use the love I have for them against me, my heart fills with despair. I dream of love everyday. You could even say I'm a hopeless romantic because I am. I have a huge imagination and have pictured what love would look like. The only problem is how to find it. Someday I will but right now I keep getting hurt. I'm strong enough to pick myself back up and try to look for the positive parts in my life. I am afraid that my heart is slowly chipping away. For my birthday last year, things were stressful, and I was truly afraid of what was to come. Someone gave me a note that said "little girl, don't you go let life harden your heart." I read those words even now and find a bit of hope and encouragement that one day I will find love. I know I can't give up, but my past and my present life keep letting me down. Perhaps it's time to stop searching for this thing called "love." Perhaps I'm just not ready for it yet. I will make a promise to myself that I  won't allow my heart to be frozen from all the hate and despair in the world around us. Right now what I need most of all is just to know that I'm not alone. I have people that care in my life and even when they aren't around, and I am sitting alone that's what I need to remember most of all. Ironically, my cat just came and hopped on my lap almost as if he knows what is going through my mind.

"Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and knows in your presence that life is worth while. Whenever your lonely remember it's true that somebody somewhere is thinking of you." 

Strength in Chaos

"Throw me in the landfill,
       Don't think about the consequences,
Throw me in the dirt pit,
      Don't think about the choices that you make,
Throw me in the water,
     Don't think about the splash I will create." 

                        ~Landfill, Daughter         

Tears begin pouring in an instant because her heart has already crumbled. As she tries to keep the pieces mended together; it crumbles again. Everyday her heart is shattered again and again. She chooses to endure this torture week after week, day after day, simply for her animals. She cannot leave them behind for they are the reason her heart continues to beat although it is tired and damaged. They are her protectors that keep track of every piece so it might be eventually mended into one. She continues to write with the music blaring in the background to mask the pain. She is praying that her words will be the glue to put all the pieces in the right place.

"Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,

My eyes are damp from the words you left,

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest."

~Youth, Daughter

Is this my fault? Did I do something to deserve this? God, have you given up on me? Why does every day rip my heart more? How am I supposed to stay afloat. "You only have to deal with this for one year longer," I keep telling myself but time moves at a snails pace while at the same time is sweeping me off my feet. I must survive. No! I will survive.

It is the torture which makes me stronger. It is this pain that I am forced to feel that allows me to know true happiness in the simplest of pleasures. My future has not been set and I will not allow myself to crumble before I get to a place where I can share happiness with those around me. I do not have a way of making it out alive if I do not choose to keep my vision clear to my dreams. The hurricane is billowing around me and as I walk in the eye of the chaos I have clarity. I hear no pain or cries. I feel blank. Not a hopeless blank as one may think. Instead there is just peace in my heart. I'm choosing my life to be clear. I have made this eye possible and will make it out alive.

To those who stand in my way, bring it on. I am not in your control. I am me and I will survive this.

 "I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. It is because of them I did it myself." 

                                                                                                       ~Albert Einstein

Am I flawed? Only in my heart...

I'm starting to wonder if this reality of life is truly my life.  Throughout anyone's life, we are influenced in different directions based on our genetics along with how we are raised and what experiences we go though. Since I was a child, I could never figure out what was wrong with me but I knew there was. My biggest struggle with my personal journey to excel past the chaos and pain of my past, present, and future is with shame. I have been told the differences between guilt and shame many times over and still will admit I cannot tell the difference. In "Why am I not good enough?", the author discusses how as children we make internal contracts based on what we experience as children. I thought I determined my major contracts and conquered most of them; unfortunately, I had barely scratched the surface.

I tried to review what my past contracts were and how I determined these contracts existed. Next, I began to berate myself for missing the ones that seem so hardwired into the deepest depths of my being. As I continued to decrease my self-esteem to the size of a pea, it came to me. Flawed, I have always been flawed. Something was always wrong with me. What I did or said, how I dressed, none of it mattered. It never measured up: there is always a "but". Then my heart began to sink. When did I first get this feeling that something had to be wrong with me?

The more I dive in and look at all angles I have discovered that it stems from before I was born. The pre-me story if you will. 

Now…  My mother* was having an affair with my dad. He constantly repeated to my mother "It's the kids that count. If you had kids you'd understand I can't leave my wife. The kids are too important" (LIE 1). The affair continued for, lets just say awhile, and then my dad told my mother he was dying and getting bone marrow transplants (LIE 2). My mother believed him and was in love. She made a decision to go off the pill because she wanted something to remember him by. Low and behold, she was pregnant and he chose to go back to his wife. If you were born because of one person's lies and another's belief in their lies, how would you feel?

I know there's too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken, like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don't even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can't describe, you would rather I didn't try
But please, don't cry you liar..."    ~Mumford & Sons - Liar

Looking back, I discovered I first remember feeling something was wrong because of peoples' reactions. I could feel my mother's shame and guilt pour through her every time she explained she was a single mom, every time she had to go to work, and anytime I was curious about not having a dad. Others would always say they were "sorry to hear that" or "things must be real tough". The negatives that were constantly repeated throughout my childhood made an impact. My family was flawed. It did not measure up to the picture perfect family that was always portrayed on TV shows or even to the other families I was around.

The contract had been made. There's something not right with me. I am flawed. 

Everyone has moments when things don't look how they would like. This doesn't mean that the person is not successful. It simply means their journey hit a bumpy section. You can choose to let the feelings overwhelm you or you can choose to do something about it. 

Someone asked God, "If everything is already written in destiny, then why should we wish for something?" God smiled and said, "Maybe in a few places I have written 'As you wish'."

*In all fairness to my mother, she has been a wonderful mother and I do not blame her for how I have turned out or for any of my past. I will admit I only grew up with my mother so this story is slightly swayed to one side

I trust you beLIEve me...

I'm curious to know if any good people out there exist. In the show, House M.D., House consistently repeats the phrase "Everybody lies." The truth is every one does lie. I do not want to exclude myself from this category because I have lied in the past and, although I try to be honest the majority of the time, sometimes lying is inevitable.  For someone who has struggled with letting people in, I now understand my complete infatuation for any living organism BESIDES people.

I used to be a completely outgoing person. I used to be told I never shut up. Now, I still have my talkative tendency but mostly the dialogue is within my own head or with the animals of the world. Talking with people has become less and less of a priority as well. I have even had someone ask me if I was a mute because they didn't think I ever spoke. This change did not occur overnight and until several months ago I had no awareness how much this aspect of my life has changed. I was dependent on others to tell me how I should dress, walk, talk, you name it. Today, I could say I am completely independent which is somewhat true but I struggle from here to there.  I feel unfortunately that my independence has lead to an unexpected limitation in my happiness because to be independent I chose to be alone. That's another story in itself.

“I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers, but such as each of them shall deserve of me. And to earn my love, my brothers must do more than to have been born. I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor is a thing to be earned.”  ~Ayn Rand, Anthem

Sadly, after all my searching this last year for myself, I have discovered that I tend to connect with my true self and true feelings only when I'm alone. I decided to make an effort to try and reach out to others but I didn't want to do it alone. A few days ago, I began reading a book about "healthy dependency". As I began reading, I thought to myself perhaps I should give this a try or perhaps people aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I was preparing for a change in my life.  As usual, the next encounter with people in my life did not turn out how I would've liked. I was blown off for an event that means the world for me and worst part is because the person bailed I now have no chance of going either.  I was so excited to participate in an endangered animal catch and release I was talking about it back in May. Twice a year, game and fish send volunteers out to set traps for an endangered species and vaccinates new catches and checks on old catches. With the numbers, they look at how the species is doing in the wild and adjust the breeding programs accordingly. The optimist in me tells me to get over it and let it go. It isn't the end of the world and there's always next time. My heart tells me that people are bad and I should have known I couldn't rely on anyone because they always let me down in the end.

It seems as if that is the true recurring fact of life. My current philosophy on dealing with people is as follows: DON'T. By letting someone in, asking for help, etc. all that happens is you let yourself become vulnerable and your vulnerabilities are then exploited by the other people. It has happened countless times. Sometimes it is not anyone's fault. Life happens. The thing that breaks my heart is I dream of having a lot of people in my life, having a family but how can my dreams ever come true if I can't stand people in my life.

I am looking for change. I am looking for friends. Since I cannot change those around me, my only option is to change myself. My current philosophy on dealing with people must be changed. Step 1 must be to learn how to let people in without losing myself. Step 2 is to stop pushing people away when they get close. It is true that the world hurts but perhaps I just haven't found the people I'm looking for.

             "I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns,

                     I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself..." ~Senses Fail, Choke on This

First Prints on the World

"I have decided to be happy, because it is good for my health." ~Voltaire

Currently, I am a college student studying biological sciences. Animals are my passion and I am an optimist. I believe in the world and I believe in the future. I have traveled down many paths that are filled with uplifting parts as well as dark times. I was forced to face starting over and boy does it hurt your self-confidence. I began to look at life from a new side of things. It forced me to rebuild my life from scratch. I believe that my life is moving in a positive direction. My heart is in no way healed from the pains of life; however, I am choosing happiness. 

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ~Dr. Seuss

Mindfulness, yoga, journaling, and reading have all become important steps for me to keep my troubles at bay. I struggle from time to time yet somehow I always manage to pick myself back up.  

I am not one to try dwelling on a concept or idea; however, I almost always do to the point of exhaustion. Today someone asked me:

"If you could get out of the hurricane, would you choose to?"

Wow. I never thought of it like that before and I especially never felt I would have trouble answering that question either. I have been fighting so long to get out of the portions of my life that I struggled with, yet I realized tonight that perhaps my fighting is different than I thought it was. I know I'm afraid of the big bad world out there because leaving home again scares me. I feel like I need some sort of safety net as a way of saying to myself "You will never go down that dark road again. I am here to catch you."

Is that reality though? I am so afraid to fall right now. Part of my fear comes from what has happened the two times I moved from home and the other part feels like I will sabotage myself with a safety net just to say "See I told you I couldn't do it and I needed you."

What are my options now? My decision to leave the state was to get away and start over. I want to love this place again and currently all I want to do is strangle every corner or run and hide in somewhere that hasn't been tainted. Now, it may be possible that leaving the state has more to do with the lack of a safety net. I wonder if it isn't possible that leaving the state doesn't feel more safe but I know history tends to repeat itself unless we find the core reason why we went through what we did in the first place.  I'm struggling and I'm lonely internally more than, but also somewhat, externally.  Is it possible that this is caused by myself? How will I know? 

The reality is I may never know but life is a journey and my only options are to continue to allow it to be written while I also look at my past actions and experiences in order to find knowledge to avoid the pain in the future. I can do this. I want to... NO! I need to believe in my core that this is not it. Something is out there and I swear I will find it.

The promise land is not an imaginary place made in my head as a simple coping mechanism for the hard times I have faced; rather, it is a place that truly is in existence and just has not been reached by me.   

My promise land is not a land without heartbreak or without sadness. It is not an idealistic place where the world is only good and everyone there is always happy. I'm not sure where I heard it but "Without struggle, there can be no progress." It may seem strange but the major difference between my life now and how my life will be in the promise lands surrounds one major variant. When times get hard and things seem to be falling apart right and left, when my life throws my worst nightmares or seems as if there is no possible chance for happiness, the difference will be that someone will be there. Someone will just listen. Not judge me. Not tell me how to fix it. Someone will sit there and hold my pain with me. This person will not be forced in anyway to listen or to spend the time. They will choose it to be a priority because I will matter.

Are you going to choose to do anything in order to get your freedom or would you like to spend the rest of your life waiting to get free from the hurricane?

At this moment, I cannot tell you how it is going to work out or what my decision will be. I simply will tell you that your decision will be from the heart and although it may be a hardship you will find your promise land. I believe in it. I have faith.

Song for the moment: Lost By Gorilla Zoe