I'm starting to
wonder if this reality of life is truly my life. Throughout anyone's life, we are influenced
in different directions based on our genetics along with how we are raised and
what experiences we go though. Since I was a child, I could never figure out
what was wrong with me but I knew there was. My biggest struggle with my
personal journey to excel past the chaos and pain of my past, present, and
future is with shame. I have been told the differences between guilt and shame
many times over and still will admit I cannot tell the difference. In "Why
am I not good enough?", the author discusses how as children we make
internal contracts based on what we experience as children. I thought I determined
my major contracts and conquered most of them; unfortunately, I had barely
scratched the surface.
I tried to review
what my past contracts were and how I determined these contracts existed. Next,
I began to berate myself for missing the ones that seem so hardwired into the
deepest depths of my being. As I continued to decrease my self-esteem to the size
of a pea, it came to me. Flawed, I have always been flawed. Something was
always wrong with me. What I did or said, how I dressed, none of it mattered.
It never measured up: there is always a "but". Then my heart began to
sink. When did I first get this feeling that something had to be wrong with me?
The
more I dive in and look at all angles I have discovered that it stems from
before I was born. The pre-me story if you will.
Now… My mother* was having an affair with my dad.
He constantly repeated to my mother "It's the kids that count. If you had
kids you'd understand I can't leave my wife. The kids are too important"
(LIE 1). The affair continued for, lets just say awhile, and then my dad told
my mother he was dying and getting bone marrow transplants (LIE 2). My mother
believed him and was in love. She made a decision to go off the pill because
she wanted something to remember him by. Low and behold, she was pregnant and
he chose to go back to his wife. If you were born because of one person's lies
and another's belief in their lies, how would you feel?
I know there's too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken, like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don't even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can't describe, you would rather I didn't try
But please, don't cry you liar..." ~Mumford & Sons - Liar
Looking back, I
discovered I first remember feeling something was wrong because of peoples'
reactions. I could feel my mother's shame and guilt pour through her every time
she explained she was a single mom, every time she had to go to work, and
anytime I was curious about not having a dad. Others would always say they were
"sorry to hear that" or "things must be real tough". The
negatives that were constantly repeated throughout my childhood made an impact.
My family was flawed. It did not measure up to the picture perfect family that
was always portrayed on TV shows or even to the other families I was around.
The contract had
been made. There's something not right with me. I am flawed.
Everyone has moments when things don't look how they would like. This doesn't mean that the person is not successful. It simply means their journey hit a bumpy section. You can choose to let the feelings overwhelm you or you can choose to do something about it.
Someone asked God, "If everything is already written in destiny, then why should we wish for something?" God smiled and said, "Maybe in a few places I have written 'As you wish'."
*In all fairness to my mother, she has been a wonderful mother and I do not blame her for how I have turned out or for any of my past. I will admit I only grew up with my mother so this story is slightly swayed to one side
No comments:
Post a Comment