Strength in Chaos

"Throw me in the landfill,
       Don't think about the consequences,
Throw me in the dirt pit,
      Don't think about the choices that you make,
Throw me in the water,
     Don't think about the splash I will create." 

                        ~Landfill, Daughter         

Tears begin pouring in an instant because her heart has already crumbled. As she tries to keep the pieces mended together; it crumbles again. Everyday her heart is shattered again and again. She chooses to endure this torture week after week, day after day, simply for her animals. She cannot leave them behind for they are the reason her heart continues to beat although it is tired and damaged. They are her protectors that keep track of every piece so it might be eventually mended into one. She continues to write with the music blaring in the background to mask the pain. She is praying that her words will be the glue to put all the pieces in the right place.

"Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,

A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,

My eyes are damp from the words you left,

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest."

~Youth, Daughter

Is this my fault? Did I do something to deserve this? God, have you given up on me? Why does every day rip my heart more? How am I supposed to stay afloat. "You only have to deal with this for one year longer," I keep telling myself but time moves at a snails pace while at the same time is sweeping me off my feet. I must survive. No! I will survive.

It is the torture which makes me stronger. It is this pain that I am forced to feel that allows me to know true happiness in the simplest of pleasures. My future has not been set and I will not allow myself to crumble before I get to a place where I can share happiness with those around me. I do not have a way of making it out alive if I do not choose to keep my vision clear to my dreams. The hurricane is billowing around me and as I walk in the eye of the chaos I have clarity. I hear no pain or cries. I feel blank. Not a hopeless blank as one may think. Instead there is just peace in my heart. I'm choosing my life to be clear. I have made this eye possible and will make it out alive.

To those who stand in my way, bring it on. I am not in your control. I am me and I will survive this.

 "I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. It is because of them I did it myself." 

                                                                                                       ~Albert Einstein

Am I flawed? Only in my heart...

I'm starting to wonder if this reality of life is truly my life.  Throughout anyone's life, we are influenced in different directions based on our genetics along with how we are raised and what experiences we go though. Since I was a child, I could never figure out what was wrong with me but I knew there was. My biggest struggle with my personal journey to excel past the chaos and pain of my past, present, and future is with shame. I have been told the differences between guilt and shame many times over and still will admit I cannot tell the difference. In "Why am I not good enough?", the author discusses how as children we make internal contracts based on what we experience as children. I thought I determined my major contracts and conquered most of them; unfortunately, I had barely scratched the surface.

I tried to review what my past contracts were and how I determined these contracts existed. Next, I began to berate myself for missing the ones that seem so hardwired into the deepest depths of my being. As I continued to decrease my self-esteem to the size of a pea, it came to me. Flawed, I have always been flawed. Something was always wrong with me. What I did or said, how I dressed, none of it mattered. It never measured up: there is always a "but". Then my heart began to sink. When did I first get this feeling that something had to be wrong with me?

The more I dive in and look at all angles I have discovered that it stems from before I was born. The pre-me story if you will. 

Now…  My mother* was having an affair with my dad. He constantly repeated to my mother "It's the kids that count. If you had kids you'd understand I can't leave my wife. The kids are too important" (LIE 1). The affair continued for, lets just say awhile, and then my dad told my mother he was dying and getting bone marrow transplants (LIE 2). My mother believed him and was in love. She made a decision to go off the pill because she wanted something to remember him by. Low and behold, she was pregnant and he chose to go back to his wife. If you were born because of one person's lies and another's belief in their lies, how would you feel?

I know there's too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken, like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don't even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can't describe, you would rather I didn't try
But please, don't cry you liar..."    ~Mumford & Sons - Liar

Looking back, I discovered I first remember feeling something was wrong because of peoples' reactions. I could feel my mother's shame and guilt pour through her every time she explained she was a single mom, every time she had to go to work, and anytime I was curious about not having a dad. Others would always say they were "sorry to hear that" or "things must be real tough". The negatives that were constantly repeated throughout my childhood made an impact. My family was flawed. It did not measure up to the picture perfect family that was always portrayed on TV shows or even to the other families I was around.

The contract had been made. There's something not right with me. I am flawed. 

Everyone has moments when things don't look how they would like. This doesn't mean that the person is not successful. It simply means their journey hit a bumpy section. You can choose to let the feelings overwhelm you or you can choose to do something about it. 

Someone asked God, "If everything is already written in destiny, then why should we wish for something?" God smiled and said, "Maybe in a few places I have written 'As you wish'."

*In all fairness to my mother, she has been a wonderful mother and I do not blame her for how I have turned out or for any of my past. I will admit I only grew up with my mother so this story is slightly swayed to one side