I'm curious to know
if any good people out there exist. In the show, House M.D., House consistently
repeats the phrase "Everybody lies." The truth is every one does lie.
I do not want to exclude myself from this category because I have lied in the
past and, although I try to be honest the majority of the time, sometimes lying
is inevitable. For someone who has
struggled with letting people in, I now understand my complete infatuation for
any living organism BESIDES people.
I used to be a
completely outgoing person. I used to be told I never shut up. Now, I still
have my talkative tendency but mostly the dialogue is within my own head or
with the animals of the world. Talking with people has become less and less of
a priority as well. I have even had someone ask me if I was a mute because they
didn't think I ever spoke. This change did not occur overnight and until
several months ago I had no awareness how much this aspect of my life has
changed. I was dependent on others to tell me how I should dress, walk, talk,
you name it. Today, I could say I am completely independent which is somewhat
true but I struggle from here to there.
I feel unfortunately that my independence has lead to an unexpected
limitation in my happiness because to be independent I chose to be alone.
That's another story in itself.
“I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers, but such as each of them shall deserve of me. And to earn my love, my brothers must do more than to have been born. I do not grant my love without reason, nor to any chance passer-by who may wish to claim it. I honor men with my love. But honor is a thing to be earned.” ~Ayn Rand, Anthem
Sadly, after all my
searching this last year for myself, I have discovered that I tend to connect
with my true self and true feelings only when I'm alone. I decided to make an
effort to try and reach out to others but I didn't want to do it alone. A few days
ago, I began reading a book about "healthy dependency". As I began
reading, I thought to myself perhaps I should give this a try or perhaps people
aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I was preparing for a change in my
life. As usual, the next encounter with
people in my life did not turn out how I would've liked. I was blown off for an
event that means the world for me and worst part is because the person bailed I
now have no chance of going either. I
was so excited to participate in an endangered animal catch and release I was
talking about it back in May. Twice a year, game and fish send volunteers out
to set traps for an endangered species and vaccinates new catches and checks on
old catches. With the numbers, they look at how the species is doing in the
wild and adjust the breeding programs accordingly. The optimist in me tells me
to get over it and let it go. It isn't the end of the world and there's always
next time. My heart tells me that people are bad and I should have known I
couldn't rely on anyone because they always let me down in the end.
It seems as if that
is the true recurring fact of life. My current philosophy on dealing with
people is as follows: DON'T. By letting someone in, asking for help, etc. all
that happens is you let yourself become vulnerable and your vulnerabilities are
then exploited by the other people. It has happened countless times. Sometimes
it is not anyone's fault. Life happens. The thing that breaks my heart is I
dream of having a lot of people in my life, having a family but how can my
dreams ever come true if I can't stand people in my life.
"I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns,
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself..." ~Senses Fail, Choke on This
